When it comes to the LGBTQIA+ community and discussions about religion, it can sadly lead down various roads, and rarely are they ever positive. While my personal experience with religion has not had enough impact on me to feel significantly affected by this, it doesn't mean that others haven't. Personally, I have family members who refuse to talk to me because of my transition, and I know there are others who may be in the same boat or in similar situations. I want you to know that I hear you and I'm here for you..
I also want to reach out to those who may be on the fence about religion. Religion is a topic that can be very sensitive, especially for members of a community that is often subjected to hatred from the majority of religious people. That's why I want to share my friend's experience with religion and his transition. Some of you may relate to his story, while others may not, but I believe it could be profoundly impactful for those who are uncertain about religion, who feel rejected, hated, lost, and overwhelmed by various emotions in relation to it.
Introduction
What is your name, how old are you, and how do you identify?
My name is CJ, I also go by Chris, I am 29 years old, about to be 30 in January, and I identify as a binary black trans man.
When did you discover that you were a trans man?
So funny story, I've kinda known something was off about me, since I was four years old. I realized that my favorite activity to do as a child was to play pretend and when I played pretend, I always played the son, the dad, or a being of masculinized version of that. Around the same time, I learned that boys and girls peed differently, boys would stand up and aim, and girls would sit down. I remember practicing standing up and trying to aim into the toilet. So with that being said, I kinda knew something was always off. I didn't know it had a name, until I was about 18-19 years old, and I didn't decide to come out until I was about 21-22 years old.
At the time you came out, was it a culture shock to come out as a trans man?
When I originally came out, it was quite a shock, mainly because of who you saw online coming out. Being both black and transgender, as a man, was unheard of. I only knew of two black trans individuals, but both lived in California, while I lived in the southern part of the East Coast. So, at the time and where I lived at, it was definitely a culture shock; around that period, many people were coming out as trans.
Before you came out as trans, was there ever a time where you identify as gay or as a lesbian?
I always just identified as being queer. I never really gave myself a label, because I always thought it was silly and it didn't make sense. I couldn't call myself a lesbian, it never felt right to call myself a lesbian, even though most of my attraction is women, it never aligned with being looked at as a woman myself. I never called myself gay, that also didn't really fit. I always identified more with queer.
Family Support and Religion
Did/do you have a supporting family?
I have a lot of support in my life. At the time when I first started coming out, I had really invested and [spent] a lot of time making friends in general, and I had some friends, who ironically were white lesbians, offer me a steady place where I could be myself. They offered like a respite where I could be honest and tell them what I was feeling and have that [open feedback about what I was feeling].
Familial side of things, I had support from some people but definitely not my entire family. But, I always had some type of support in my life.
Growing up, how did religion affect your identity?
I've always identified with my religion and with my faith. For a long time, I identified as a Christian and it was the most important descriptor one could have for me. I based my entire identity on being a Christian, it was the THING I wanted everyone to know about me, more than anything else.
Do you currently call yourself a Christian?
The word Christian is kinda hard for me these days, I really prefer the term Follower of Christ, because those are not the same kind of people.
Is there a reason for that?
Yeah. A lot of Christians don't appreciate, or view, or even see me as a Christian because of me being trans. A lot of Christians, or some people who call themselves Christians, really disregard the teachings and the instructions of Christ, meanwhile what is important to me, is that I try to embody and try to live into the values that Christ spoke of.
So was it harder for you to accept your identity as a trans man because of your religion?
Yeahh, it was absolutely a struggle...it was a very big struggle. I have an older transfemme cousin, that I watch get absolutely dragged by my family on the bases of our faith. What was taught to me and entrenched in me at a very young age is that, "You are what God made you, and if you think God made a mistake, then you are wrong."; and if you're trans, you can think that God made a mistake. So it took a lot of learning, a lot of me reading the Bible getting to know God myself, and even just reading the Bible also presented a challenge to my faith. I would tell myself, "I don't even know if I can believe all this stuff, this is very, very difficult for me to believe." One of the things that actually help me to grow into it, was being in prayer and being in worship. I will never forget, I was at a church conference, and there was a moment of worship. I remember telling God, "Yo, you made me, you made every inch of me. So, if there is something you need me to change, I need your help to change it." And then the song change, the person that was singing the worship song at that moment, changed the perspective of the song. It was Good, Good Father by Chris Tomlin that he was singing but he started singing the perspective of God to us. He started to say, "perfect in all of your ways, and that's how God feels about you". That to me, was the most affirming moment in the world. That guy up on the stage had no idea what was going on in my life, he had no idea what I was doing in that moment, and he had no idea what I was praying silently to myself in my seat. For him to echo that back, as the heart of God in that moment, felt incredibly freeing and relieving. Since that moment, [the entirety] of myself and what I think of myself from God's perspective, I consider the fact that He created [me], He knows me. He knows my heart explicitly and He loves me totally.
Do you think it's important to have some type of Higher Power in your life, especially going through tough stages in transitioning and how life can be struggle day to day?
I think if it is important to you, yes, but I also think that's deeply subjective. Like for me, having God in my life has always been important to me, yes it has been important for God to continue to be a big part of my life, for my identity and for my faith to continue, because it always has been. However, a lot of people don't have that attachment to faith or religion. Also, a lot of people have been deeply hurt by religion, and I think it's so value if during the course of their transition, if they decided to let go of that rudimental faith. You have to rock with what feels good to you.
Knowing you personally, I know you said it was a point in time in your life that you wanted to purse becoming a pastor and opening up your own church, has that changed at all?
You know, I actually think that it is still something that I might end pursing down the road. Right now, I think its hard for me to conceptualize how to get that started, because I do feel like, a community is more important than a church; the bases of a church is a community. I rather have a broader community of trans people that might still be in the trenches with their relationship with or be in trenches of not wanting to associate with the idea of a church.
Last two question, one if you had anything to your younger self, what would it be?
Be You, be you now.
If you have something to say to people who might have been in your shoes or currently in your shoes, going through the struggles with that relationship with God, what would you tell them?
God is so much bigger than you think He is. Let Him be God, stop trying to figure Him out.
Conclusion
I want to extend my personal thanks to CJ for generously sharing his time and invaluable insights into his relationship with God and his journey through transition. As I said in the beginning, I understand that this topic is sensitive and often difficult to approach. Through my own experiences, I've come to recognize that faith and religion hold significance for many individuals, and that exploring religion involves considering multiple perspectives. That's why I'm deeply grateful to have CJ in my life.
It's crucial to approach everything with a broad perspective, and that's how I, now, approach religion. There was a time when I saw it only as a tool for spreading hatred, but now, by listening to others and being open to different perspectives in life, I've begun to see beyond that shadow. So thank you again CJ, for your contribute to this blog.
I also want to thank you to those who may have read it, I hope you gain some insight yourself with this and I hope you well on your journeys if you're one of those who may be in the trenches.
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