Please note the following disclaimer before reading this blog: I acknowledge that some trans men identify as lesbians and that some black trans men maintain their stud identity throughout their transition. This blog is intended for trans men or transmasculine individuals who no longer associate themselves with the lesbian community and now identify as straight/bi trans men or transmasc individuals who date cis women or those adjacent. Please note that everyone is valid in their journeys and identities. In this blog, I would like to share my dating experience during my transition.
I don't think it's talked about enough on how hard it is to date as a trans man. No, I'm not complaining about it, I'm talking about the mental transition from dating as a woman to dating as a man.
I wasn't taught this and if you were like me, shy and introverted in my dating approaches, it's like a culture shock when those same approaches may not work when dating as a man. I remember around my 1-2 year mark in my transition, I was conflicted on where to place myself in the "male" or "female" section on dating apps. I didn't pass enough for straight women and I passed too well for lesbian women, so that was a hard thing to navigate. Another hard thing for me to navigate was being the first one to make the first move and I think this was the hardest one for me.
I would think back to all the stories between my friends about how guys approached them and harassed them when they were just minding their business, how they didn't want anyone to approach them at the club, at bars, etc.. Then I would hear in my other ear from my cis male friends about how they would "pull" by using these tactics and by this point, I was confused and scared. I didn't want to be known as the guy who harassed people but I couldn't understand how these "tactics" were working.
This is what I realized has worked for me and it didn't happen overnight but it has eased so much stress in my dating life.
Mentally Understanding Yourself
The first thing that has worked for me is working on myself mentally. Mentally understanding myself as a man was critical and it has improved my social life so much, outside of dating. It's different living as a man and it's even more different living as a black man, especially if you live in the south. It's so many stressors and barriers that black men face regularly, that stepping into that world, with an added target as a trans man, can be a lot and you have to prepare for it. I suffered great dysphoria and identity issues trying to find comfort and security in the lesbian community when I felt uncomfortable in life now as a man.
This was a long process for me and I continue to practice it today. I have been in therapy for a little over three years now and while our discussion topics aren't always about my identity, it does help to have a professional with you along the way through your transition; I also understand not everyone has access to therapy or professional help, which is why this community hopefully will be the closes you can get for guidance.
Surround Yourself with Healthy Masculinity
A major turning point in my transition was having cis male friends or cis male acquaintances. I was raised by my father but he always tried to make sure that my social groups were still female-influenced so I did not have a complete understanding of how cis men moved in their social groups. Around my first and second year though, I thought I knew enough from seeing how cis men operate but really, it was nothing compared to when I started passing.
When I started to pass and started to make cis male friends, it felt like a completely different world and I learned so much from the positive influence of male friends I had around me. This even works if your social group is not cis men. Having anyone masculine adjacent in your life who may be perceived as a man to the outside world, and who is comfortable with who they are, can greatly impact you. This is why community and looking up/looking for people who are just like you is so important.
Having those cis male friends, some gay, some straight, and those all in between show me different types of masculinity, show me different types of ways to be a man, and help me understand that there IS NO SET WAY TO BE A MAN; there is no blueprint for this shit. Being who you are and having that support group behind you, makes a huge difference.
Patience
The final thing I've come to learn with dating, especially as I've gotten older, is patience. Dating is one of those things where I had to learn that, I have no control over whether or not the person I am pursuing will reciprocate those feelings back and vice versa. Rejection took so long for me to understand that, nothing is wrong with me just because I was rejected. It's not because I am trans, it's not because I am short, it's not because of any of those things.
I am a firm believer, as a single man today, that I will find someone. Dates come and go, people come and go, but that doesn't mean I should quit after failed attempts. That feeling never goes away, I still have my moments, but what keeps me pushing is what I said in the first category, understanding myself mentally. I understand my needs/wants as a man, I understand what I like and what I don't like, and nothing changes about me as a man because of it, and I feel like it's so important for anyone to understand that. (Even if you do not identify as a man, understand nothing changes about you because of what you like/who you like, you're still you at the end of the day)
Conclusion
With that though, I hope that made sense to someone. Dating sucked for me in my early years of transition because I felt like I was pushed between labels and categories to feel seen, when in reality as long as I am solid with who I am, I'm okay.
Dating still sucks regardless, and you will always get that sympathy from me, but I hope I've reached across that I want everyone to know their worth and understand who they are before they start dating.
-Quinton
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