Disclaimer and Trigger Warnings: Before reading, please be aware that this article will discuss eating disorders, unhealthy relationships with food and exercise, and undiagnosed mental illnesses. I will be sharing my personal journey over the years to love my body and understand myself as an individual. It's important to note that anything I've done or am doing should NOT be interpreted as health or medical advice.
Being unaware of anything health-related in my teens, mentally and physically, and learning the wrong things in my younger adult years caused a lot of discomfort in my skin over the years. Yes, I had the P.E. health class in schools, where they tell you to lose weight and eat right, but the black household I grew up in had no idea what "eating right" looked like. Also, I love my black elders, but it's disheartening to say that some of them have their ways. Commenting on one's body, actions, or who they are as an individual can cause a lot of insecurities, trauma responses, and for some, like me, an eating disorder.
I want to share my journey of losing weight, gaining weight, finding out I was trans, and how it related to my weight/insecurities.
My Younger Years
So, I've always been a big kid. I remember gaining weight each school year, around ten pounds, and telling myself, "as long as I stay at this pace, I'll be fine." In elementary school, I realized I was different from the other girls when boys wouldn't pay attention to me; I felt out of place and felt like something was wrong with my body. I remember losing a bit of weight and people saying things about it in 5th grade because I joined our elementary school basketball team. This was the very first time, at 9-10 years old, that my family actually complimented me. Before that, it was always remarks on how I was gaining weight, or I would look like one of my relatives who's on the plus size.
That weight loss was short-lived as I didn't continue to play sports in middle school. I remember a moment during eighth-grade tryouts when my father waited for me outside. As we started to run around the field, I started off first but ended up being dead last because I was obese and not in shape, to say the least. When I got in the car, he made fun of that. I wanted to cry about it, but I didn't want to hear his remarks or have to deal with his anger, because I was upset by his words, so I sucked it up
It wasn't until my junior year in high school that I started to somewhat take my health seriously. My father didn't cook much when I was in middle school or high school, and if he did, it was always fried foods or very unhealthy meals in general. I even recall telling him that we should eat better, but he saw nothing wrong with what we were eating and believed he was fine just the way he was; well, I wasn't. At this point in my life, I hadn't seen a doctor since I was 6. Now, at 17, I went to a pediatric doctor, and they told me I was prediabetic. This scared the hell out of me because I did not want to be stuck on insulin for the rest of my life, like some of my family members. So, for once, I listened to what the doctor told me. I told her to give me 3-4 months, and I would lose some weight so I wouldn't have to be put on insulin. And so, I did.
Crash Dieting and Dysmorphia
The doctor recommended a low-carb and high-protein diet for me, a very simple one. But when I did my own research, I came across keto. (Disclaimer: I am not bashing Keto as a diet; it actually has benefits and serves its purpose when done correctly. I am only talking about my experience with it.) Keto is one of those well-known crash diets where you cut all carbs and sugars from your diet and replace them with a higher portion of proteins and fat. It sounds good in theory and is similar to the low-carb diet, but the difference with Keto is that your carb intake is as low as 20g every day, whereas a low-carb diet might be between 100-120g per day.
The point of Keto is to get your body into a state of ketosis, where it uses stored fat in your body as the main source of fuel instead of carbohydrates. I started off doing a low-carb diet, lost the weight to avoid being put on insulin, and for once in my life, I felt in control of my body and somewhat comfortable in it. My highest weight at the time was 268 pounds, and by the end of my senior year, I got down to about 240-ish, and I was so happy. However, my next hurdle was college, and boy, it was a tall one.
Everyone's heard of the 'freshman 15,' where basically your freshman year of college you gain 15 lbs. Well, because of keto and my somewhat unhealthy knowledge of dieting, I decided to basically eat like a rabbit for my freshman year. I remember ordering low-carb burgers, never eating any type of bread, and just feeling miserable. But the only thing I cared about was that my weight stayed the same or I kept losing. I somewhat survived my freshman year, but the rest of my years in university were almost deadly.
My Eating Disorder
This obsession became worse my sophomore year because I gained access to a kitchen. I was able to cook my keto meals and basically continue my way of ketosis. I was also able to bring my car sophomore year, so I would go to the gym every day, and I was very consistent until COVID-19.
I know COVID caused a lot of setbacks for many people, myself included. I was forced off campus to go home, and I hated it. I wasn't comfortable at home. I didn't want to hear the comments on my body or be judged because the food I bought was a little bit more expensive than the TV dinners my dad bought, so I became very depressed during this time. I overate because of my depression, which caused my dysmorphia to increase. I didn't even gain that much weight back, but all I saw was that junior in high school.
When we were allowed to come back on campus, I was in my own room and only had one roommate on the other side of the suite, but sadly we didn't have a kitchen. My junior year was filled with attempts, after attempts, after attempts of me trying to get back into my diet. After every failure, I would beat myself up and overeat. It got to the point where I couldn't even tell when I was full anymore; it felt like I could always eat and never be full. At the same time, I was battling an addiction and questioning if I was really trans or if I hated my body. I tried a nutritionist my senior year, but didn't go back because again, I failed after one day of trying the meal plan. I felt like I had tried everything.
I read a book that basically talked about 'intuitive eating,' which says that you don't have to diet; just eat when you're hungry and recognize when you're full. I tried this, but it just made me feel like I could eat all the foods I was avoiding because of the diet, and this caused me to overeat even more. I tried NOOM, I tried MyFitnessPal again because I was using it before COVID, and nothing was sticking, no matter what I did.
So what changed?
After graduation, I decided to go to therapy and try to understand the root cause of all this overeating and why I felt compelled to return to keto and the gym, as I did before COVID. I came to realize that I wasn't losing weight for myself; it was for others. I desired to be smaller because I enjoyed the attention it brought me. It felt like women finally paid attention to me, and people seemed to want to be around me, which made me feel happy for once. I had never felt comfortable in my own skin, and even upon realizing I was trans, I despised my chest, which only seemed to get bigger when I was heavier. However, when I was heavy, I could pass as a bigger guy.
I was also battling an addiction that caused so much destruction in my life. It prevented me from thinking clearly about my wants and needs, so everything I ever wanted to do or felt like I should do only played in tapes on repeat but never actually got done. Now, though? I work a physically demanding job. I know getting back to the gym would take time, and forcing myself to go would only make me not want to. I actually enjoy working out, minus the running - weights, though, I love them. As for my eating habits, since I work a physically demanding job and I am in therapy, I learned that when I first came home, I was eating because I was bored and also depressed. Now, I eat when I can, and when I'm bored, I try to find something to do. Because of my job, within a year, I've lost about 30 lbs. This is a major accomplishment for me because last year, I wanted to lose that same number in 3 months.
I don't push myself anymore to be a certain weight. I would still like to lose more weight and eat a bit better, but just because I enjoy a cookie or eat a whole bowl of pasta (don't judge me), doesn't cause me to look at myself in the mirror and think I'm this disgusting person anymore. I love myself, and I love my body, and me changing it now is because I want to, not because I feel like I have to. I watch my blood sugar, blood pressure, A1C, and even at my current weight, which is about my sophomore year weight, I'm in the best shape of my life. This is mostly due to the job, but I still wouldn't change it for the world.
Before I got hired at this job, I was upset because I had gained back all the weight from my junior year of high school, reaching the peak of 268 pounds again. I allowed myself to lose the weight slowly. I gave myself permission to not focus too much on the food and to tackle everything one day at a time.
I will end with this: it was a lot easier to reach this stage of self-love after transitioning. I didn't realize how much dysphoria contributed to my dysmorphia and eating habits. I hated how I looked as a woman because I never truly was one. A mixture of both dysphoria and dysmorphia caused years of confusion, thinking I'd be happier if I were thinner. Now, as a passable heavy-set guy, I would be fine if I remained this weight for the rest of my life.
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